Arhive blog

Caught between

Everyone knows books are magical. However, for me this bears more truth than for the others.

A week after starting The Grapes of Wrath I learned I had to search for a new place to stay. And while reading Austen’s Mansfield Park I found a lovely and quite cheap studio that became all mine. Perhaps it’s my wishful thinking, but every time I start a new book its life starts influencing mine.

I’ll say just this: the book I’m reading now has a very bad influence over me.

I’ve been “good” for so long that I forgot how to handle the “bad”. And it’s back and it wants to take me places I’ve never been before. Places I never wanted to go to before and which I find numbly comforting these days. And everything but my common sense pushes me towards them. At this point I don’t know if it’s better to be honest and a little bored or spontaneous and a little lonely.

Anunțuri

Cine are urechi de auzit..

Sa vezi paiul din ochiul altuia poate fi in regula pana la un anumit punct. Dar sa nu-ti vezi lungul nasului in momentul in care faci o asemenea analiza e impardonabil.

Nu ma intereseaza ca esti o printesa rasfatata si ca maica-ta nu ti-a dat niciodata o palma peste ceafa spunandu-ti sa taci si sa stai in banca ta. Nu ma intereseaza ca pana acum toata lumea te-a ridicat in slavi si nimeni n-a avut curaj sa-ti spuna cat esti de vulgara.

Uite o declaratie care o sa te uimeasca: Esti nesimtita, lingusesti ca sa primesti ajutor, dar niciodata nu te simti datoare sa ajuti inapoi, si-ti bagi nasul peste tot in speranta ca vei putea gasi un nou subiect de barfa. Te dai sensibila, dar in realitate n-ai simti o intreaga conserva de mazare pusa direct sub fundul tau. Sper sa pice un asteroid pe tine! 🙂

Buna, sunt X si vreau sa ma fac Y!

Drama de bucurestean adoptat.

Baa.. eu cred ca iarba e mai verde acasa.

 Nu in curtea vecinului, ci ACASA. In locul ala mitic unde speri sa te intorci cat mai curand, unde nu dai bani pe florile de sezon, te plimbi cu barca gratis si vezi caluti la tot pasul. Locul unde nu te minunezi c’ai vazut brusture, patlagina sau colacul babei. Unde, daca se opreste apa, ai fantana, iar daca pica curentul poti sa treci strada sa’ti cumperi lumanari fara prea multe fite. Sau poate ca asta e doar in cazul meu..

A inceput sesiunea. Urmeaza 3 saptamani de chin. Care vin dupa alte 2 saptamani de chin. Si mi’s satula pana peste cap de facultate, de mancare care’a stat o saptamana in frigider, de puful asta enervant care zboara din j’de mii de plopi. Peste trei saptamani plec acasa si de’ar fi sa trebuiasca sa inot in Dambovita pana se varsa in Dunare, si apoi in Dunare pana ajunge la Tulcea, si apoi prin balta pana ajung la Saon, si apoi prin Valea lui Iancu pana ajung in Niculitel.

Si’am sa ma joc cu cateii mei prietenosi (desi unul dintre ei e cat mine), si’am sa pun flori de la mine din gradina (nu de la batranele de pe la Unirii) in vaza (nu intr’un borcan de mustar), si’am sa dau de mancare la puisori (nu la porumbei pe pervaz), si’am sa ma uit la dealuri (nu la centrala de la Grozavesti). Doamne, cate’am sa mai fac..

Dar toate astea’s doar visuri deocamdata.. Vin examene.. Eu’s alba ca branza si’asa am sa raman multa vreme de’acu incolo..

In saptamanile care urmeaza n’o sa’mi placa Bucurestiul. Deloc..

Be your own spark

Cine n-a dat un examen pentru care nu s-a pregatit destul? Cine n-a aplicat pentru un job pentru care nu era indeajuns de calificat? Cine nu si-a dorit ca tipul/tipa super dragut/-a sa vina si sa-i spuna „Buna!”? Cine, cine cine?

Cine n-a vazut uimit cum colegul de clasa (evident mai slab pregatit) a luat o nota mai mare? Cine nu a lasat loc monstruletului verde in suflet cand colegul de birou a primit o marire de salariu? Cine n-a zis „El de ce poate si eu nu?”?

Cu totii am trecut prin asta si stim cat de chinuitor e sa vrei ceva si sa crezi ca nu esti indeajuns de bun. Dar putini si-au luat gandul de la problemele cotidiene ca sa analizeze de ce unii primesc ce doresc. Si un numar inca si mai mic a si pus in aplicare solutia la care a ajuns dupa indelungi discutii cu sine.

Reteta e simpla si o stim toti: realizarile tale vor fi pe masura atitudinii pe care o ai cand actionezi. E-adevarat, conteaza CE faci, dar si mai important e CUM faci asta. Poate ce faci acum nu e chiar ce ti-ai dorit.. Dar daca stii cum sa o faci, nu va fi nici pe departe aceeasi corvoada de pana acum. Si oricum, ce faci in momentul asta nu e decat un popas pe drumul pe care ai pornit si care te va duce sus. Depinde doar de tine sa continui sa pasesti de-a lungul lui.

Si ca tot vorbim de destinatie.. de ce sa te multumesti si sa te opresti la jumatatea drumului, cand simti ca inca te mai tin picioarele? Alege-ti o tinta indepartata si porneste spre ea. Nu spune nimeni ca va fi usor.. Dar daca iti propui sa mergi 5 kilometri poate vei ajunge sa mergi 3.5, pe cand daca ai in plan doar pe 3 sau 4, s-ar putea sa mergi doar unul. Si ar fi trist sa irosesti atata energie pe-un nimic, nu crezi? Tine minte, cu cat e mai mic si insignifiant scopul tau, cu atat mai jos risti sa ajungi.

Deci ce mai astepti? Propune-ti sa iei 10 la examenul ala greu la care nu prea stii nimic deocamdata. Sa gasesti jobul ala perfect la care tot visezi de cand ai auzit de el. Propune-ti sa te uimesti si sa-i uimesti si pe cei din jur. Te vei minuna si tu de cat de multumit esti de scopurile pe care ai reusit sa le atingi apoi.

Nu uita sa fii realist, dar viseaza! Si determina-i si pe cei din jurul sa creada in visul tau. Pentru ca intai de toate trebuie sa crezi tu ca vrei si ca poti. Succes!

*Articolul a aparut si aici. M’am gandit totusi sa’l public si pe cowish, inspirata de „the making of” de la videoclipul lui Katy.*

4 in the morning

I have just finished watching a documentary about the legend of Dracula and how it derived from the story of Vlad the Impaler. It was something presented on History Channel (I *heart* them) which I ran across by chance. It’s called „Cities of the underworld” and this episode really made me rethink some aspects of my life.

It’s terribly late (or early, depends on how you look at things), outside is snowing and I’m thinking about how much I like history and how lovely would it be to start studying some of its niches. And I really don’t want to get to that „Polytechnic cliche” again, but this faculty sucks all the free time out of my life. Complaining about this on my weblog is pretty much the only hobby I can afford right now. No more reading, not so much volunteer work..I don’t even have the time to mention studying medieval history.

And yet, wouldn’t it be really nice? I now hate Hollywood movies for pretending there actually exist women living somewhere peacefully, doing mostly nothing to support themselves and in their (ton of) free time they get to be the curator of a museum or the guide of a stronghold. I wanna do that. Why can’t I do that? Oh right, cause mum didn’t inherit some obscene amount of money and dad isn’t the owner of some business empire. And, mostly because life wasn’t made in a Hollywood basement.

Well, I’m gonna beat the odds, I’m gonna try and go the distance.. If history is what turns me on, so be it!

My personal psychiatrist.

Can we ever be happy? I mean, truly happy?

I’ve been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that it is quite impossible. Well, it is impossible if we assume everyone’s a sensitive person who gives at least a crap about at least one person around them. That is a necessary condition, because everytime you’re happy, everytime damn time you do something right, everytime you get lucky..somebody else doesn’t.

I can’t go any further into the matter without revealing stuff I am not willing to reveal. But admit it, it happened to each and everyone of you. And it doesn’t really matter what side are you on, but when you’re the one affected by others’ happiness..that stings a little, don’t it?

I’m in that place right now. And it’s awkward. And strange. And infuriating, cause I know I should be realistic and down to Earth and not let this kind of things affect me. Cause it’s really not a big deal. It’s just a surface issue that is going to pass just as it came unless I make a fuss. And I’m afraind that’s precisely what I am going to do. And I’m going wild just trying to keep my composure. Cause ladies never lose it, right? Bullshit. We lose it, alright. We just don’t let others know we have.

I have all this teenager crisis going through. And all this time I lied to myself thinking I am way better than this. I’m too mature for that. And then it hit me: I’m not.

So.. Bottom line is people around me are happy. Or at least content with their work. And I’m in my little corner, bitting my nails and fantasizing about how this will work out for the best. And I can’t quite stop asking myself: will it?

keeping posted

One of my grannies died today. I’m going home and I probably won’t do much for a few days. If necessary by all means, call.

Cat despre conferinta despre care ziceam aici si aici, gasiti detalii aici si in curand si aici. 🙂

Last night.

Aseara mi’am cunoscut vecinii. Si’am facut’o in modul absolute cliseic din filmele americane: “Ai niste zahar?”. Dar la asta s’a ajuns abia pe la 1-2 noaptea.

De cu seara au venit gagicile in vizita si m’au inveselit, pentru ca that’s what friends are for. Crisunel m’a initiat in arta eye liner’ului si’a conturarii sprancenelor, iar Mirunica a facut lobby pentru anumite comportamente. Toate bune si frumoase, dar eu n’am retinut decat partea cu machiajul.

Pusi pe fapte rele, porniram vijelios spre Piranha pentru imbarbatare si vin fiert: 2 electronisti si’o medicinista. Piranha plin, 21 plin.. toate astea au facut ca vitejia sa se transforme in coada de la shaormeria din Regie si un flyer cu tatuaje care porneau de la 30 de RON. Hepatita era probabil bonus. 🙂

Descurajati, infrigurati, cu dureri atat trupesti cat si sufletesti, ne’am intors in Leu. Unde ne’am adunat intr’o minunata petrecere de poli: n baieti si 2 fete. Dintre care una cu prieten. Tipic.

Am scos 2 plite pe hol, am fiert 3 litri de vin, am facut 14 clatite in vreo 4 ore, si le’am mancat/baut pe toate mult mai repede decat le’am preparat. Vecinii au fost simpatici si si’au dat acordul pentru un mic troc: ei ne dau zahar, noi le dam vin.

Pana la urma, prietenii sunt cei care conteaza. Restul persoanelor vin si pleaca, lasand asupra ta doar o impresie de moment, o urma in nisip care dispare. Si e frumos sa stii ca mai exista si altceva in afara simplelor urme. Ca sunt oameni care vin in asfintit si te tarasc din casa ca sa te binedispuna. Asta te face cu adevarat fericit. Restul..sunt doar momente in vant.

9 crimes

I was stupid. Once again..plain stupid. Gone places I didn’t belong to. Did things I shouldn’t have to. Just playing charades with people. People that didn’t deserve faith or trust. Not so much of them, anyway.. Silly of me to think it will work out for the best. Silly of me to hope and dream. It’s all going down. Brick by brick.

And outside there’s only cold autumn rain waiting.